Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

This chapter explores The Relationship Between Identity, Emotions, and Actions. It begins with a story. Jack and Michael are friends. They have had a falling out based on their work relationship where a project has gone wrong, and each blames the other. After the anecdote, the authors claim that while all conversations are unique in their own way, difficult conversations typically follow a similar structure and identifiable pattern. Additionally, what a person says and what a person is thinking are often quite different, a reality that makes any conversation difficult.

All difficult conversations consist of three separate conversations that are occurring simultaneously: The “What Happened” conversation; the “Feelings” conversation; and the “Identity” conversation.

In the case of the “What Happened?” conversation, the primary issue is the conflict between asserting the facts and the reality that conversations are often initially not about the truth of the matter but the conflicting perspectives of the conversation partners. Additionally, conflict can become heightened by the fact a person’s intentions are often quite obscure and difficult to judge—“we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone’s intentions, we too often decide they are bad” (11).