Felix Ever After

“He pisses me off, but he’s still my dad, and I shouldn’t feel like I owe him anything for helping me with my transition, but I do.”

Felix is perpetually disappointed with his father deadnaming and misgendering him, but he feels like he should not be disappointed because his father does so many other things to help him in life. He struggles to balance being grateful for his father’s support and feeling worthy of asking his father to respect his identity.

“[E]ven after starting my transition, sometimes I get this feeling… that something still isn’t right… maybe that’s why I hate my dad deadnaming me, more than anything else. It makes me wonder if I really am Felix, no matter how loud I shout that name.”

This quote foreshadows an ongoing tension in Felix’s character arc, as he questions his gender identity while worrying that this questioning will delegitimize his trans identity. As Felix reconsiders his identity, it is difficult not to internalize the constant questioning and hatred that trans folks receive or to feel as if his uncertainty proves his identity is fake.

“And a part of me—a splinter in my chest—was, and still is, worried that she might be right. It’s ironic, I guess. I wanted to date her so that I could prove I’m worthy of love. Instead, she managed to solidify this slowly growing theory that I’m not.”

Felix thinks about Marisol’s belief that he is a misogynist for “choosing” to be a guy. Even though Felix knows this is a transphobic comment and loves his trans identity, he views her rejection as confirmation that his queer, trans, and Black identities make him hard to love.