Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

The author shares a story about a client, Chloe, whose older brother depended on her for financial and emotional support. Chloe’s mother encouraged her to listen to him and help him, regardless of his poor behavior. Frustrated with his “adult tantrums” and constant neediness, Chloe needed to learn to set firm boundaries (119). The author explains that Chloe accidentally created “blurred boundaries” with her brother by not honoring the boundaries she would set, trying to communicate with him indirectly through their mother, and gossiping about his choices (120).

Common aspects of blurred boundaries include gossiping, telling people how to live, telling others what they should allow in their relationships or “pushing your values” onto others (123). Chloe learned to restate her boundary in an extremely simple and clear way by saying, “I can’t help you,” and not explaining or justifying her decision (123). Chloe also needed to create boundaries with her mom, who often told her to call her brother and pressured her into prioritizing family relationships, no matter how unhappy it made her.

The author explains that some boundaries can come with ultimatums. Healthy ultimatums have “reasonable consequences,” while unhealthy ones are “punitive” or threatening (125). If, in spite of clear boundaries and ultimatums, the other person does not change their behavior, Tawwab believes that people can cut them off and end the relationship.