Symptoms of Being Human

“But the truth is, it still doesn’t matter how I feel—because however I show up today, people will expect me to look the same tomorrow. Including my parents.”

Riley is aware of the expectations of others. Despite no longer being required to wear a uniform to school, Riley still feels as though they’re wearing one because others expect them to present as only masculine or only feminine. Riley is essentially performing in costume at school and at home.

“I pull my phone out of my pocket now and run my thumb over the screen, feeling the nicks and indentations in the spider-webbed glass. Remembering that moment stirs something inside—anger, at first, and then a deep, hollow sadness that ripples through me in its own spiderweb pattern.”

The fragmented image of Derek externalizes the loss of his friendship and reflects Riley’s shattered sense of self. They blame themself and their differentness for Derek’s abandonment—they believe that their loneliness is due to faults within themself.

“The world isn’t binary. Everything isn’t a black or white, yes or no. Sometimes it’s not a switch, it’s a dial. And it’s not even a dial you can get your hands on; it turns without your permission or approval.”

In Riley’s first blog post, they explain what being gender fluid is like for them. Though they note that their experience is not universal to every gender-fluid person, it gives the reader a way to conceptualize Riley’s fluidity if they are unfamiliar with the topic. It also demonstrates that the fluctuations are not something Riley can control on a whim.