The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy

The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy (2022) is the joint venture of relationship scientists and married couple Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. The book follows in the numerical footsteps of the Gottmans’ previous work, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (2019). In 2021, the couple received the Networker Lifetime Achievement Award for their research into what makes relationships long-lasting and happy. John’s credits, stemming from more than five decades of research, encompass over 40 books, including the bestsellers Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (1994); The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, with Nan Silver (1999); and What Makes Love Last, also with Nan Silver (2012). Julie’s accolades include being named Washington State Psychologist of the year and wide recognition for her work with abuse and trauma survivors. Together, the couple founded the Gottman Institute in 1996, to have a foundation for their research and its dissemination.

The New York Times reviewer Catherine Pearson acknowledges the Gottmans’ achievement in The Love Prescription in offering practical tools that can improve the moment-to-moment experience of a marriage. However, when she followed the seven-day plan with her husband, Ben, they stumbled upon the “limitation of seeking relationship counsel from a book; there was no one who could help us reflect on what we were learning, and some of the prescribed tasks were leading us into emotionally murky waters” (Pearson, Catherine. “How Long Does It Take to Fix a Marriage? Give the Gottmans 7 Days.” The New York Times, 2022). Pearson’s finding is elaborated on by Galena Rhoades, clinical psychologist at the University of Denver, who asserts that while a self-help book is a good starting point in encouraging recognition of pressing issues, it can, more importantly, be a gateway to the professional support that will lead to major improvements. Overall, Pearson concluded that a week under the Gottmans’ tutelage “did not transform [their] relationship, but it did re-energize it” (Pearson), namely through reminding the couple that no amount of busyness prevented them from being more attentive to one another.

This guide uses the Penguin Life Edition from 2022.

Summary

The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy works on the principle that a week of paying attention to a different facet of your relationship each day can transform it radically. This aligns with the Gottmans’ philosophy that small loving actions performed frequently are what maintain relationships as opposed to grand gestures or an intense focus on resolving conflict.

The first day begins with the injunction to notice and respond positively to your partner’s bids for connection. These bids might include a comment, a tactile gesture, or a signal of distress, such as a sigh. The Gottmans’ research unequivocally shows that when partners respond lovingly and compassionately to each others’ cues more of the time, their relationships last longer and are happier.

The second day requires that partners ask each other the kind of big, open-ended questions that they asked when they were first dating. As time passes and commitment deepens, too many couples’ conversations revolve around logistical matters, such as who will cook dinner or pick the kids up from school. This allows them little space to be curious about each other or feel that they are seen or understood. The Gottmans encourage partners to ask these searching questions and then explore what the answers reveal. Their research shows that couples who are more interested in each other stay together.

The third day encourages partners to replace criticism of each other—which becomes the default in many relationships—with appreciation of and gratitude for the contributions each partner makes, charging them to explicitly acknowledge and thank each other. The Gottmans’ research found that couples who stayed together did not necessarily do more nice things for each other so much as acknowledge each other’s positive behavior. Gratitude can stave off criticism and contempt, two factors that are the death knell of intimate relationships.

The fourth day encourages partners to give and receive compliments, as an alternative means of combating criticism. The Gottmans’ research shows that happy, enduring couples can easily name the qualities they appreciate in each other and share a positive story of their life together so far. While some problems in a marriage are irresolvable, couples who take the time to admire each other will weather the storm long term.

The fifth day encourages partners to make peace with an often taboo subject—human need. The Gottmans assert that many of us were taught that having needs makes us weak and undesirable. As a result, we suppress our requirements in relationships, expecting our partners to be mind readers. Then, when they do not miraculously anticipate our needs, we criticize them. The Gottmans insist that it is far less destructive to express a need than to criticize. They encourage readers to practice declaring their needs from a first-person perspective—in other words, explaining why they personally need something as opposed to lashing out at their partners for their faults.

The sixth day tackles the subject of a dwindling sex life in a long-term relationship obliquely, not by focusing on the sex itself but by improving the frequency and nature of touch. The Gottmans’ research shows not only that couples who touch more have more sex but that physical touch is beneficial for improving both a couple’s bonds and their personal health outcomes.

The seventh day commands that couples, no matter how busy they are, declare a date night, during which they get to spend time alone, getting to know each other as they are now. There are no set rules for this night, except that it must not include screens and that it must be separate from the continuum of everyday life. This measure will counteract the modern phenomenon of loneliness in a marriage, where partners feel unseen or overlooked by their spouses.

In their conclusion, the Gottmans encourage readers to take up the measures in this book as a continual practice and to journal the progress of their relationships. They attest that even in a world of never-ending to-do lists and infinite responsibilities, it is worth prioritizing love, for the sake of both our relationships and our ability to thrive as individuals.